like father, like daughter
Maybe I really do bleed maize and blue.
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November 2019: My first Ann Arbor snow storm
Being a college student has its peaks and valleys. Over the past three years, I’ve climbed peaks taller than Everest and have made a bed of valleys deeper than the ocean floor. I’ve been confused, lonely, enamored, prideful, manic, hopeless, but most of all, really fucking grateful to go through the motions thousands away from my hometown. There’s no denying that the hardships are more challenging without my loved ones and that celebrations are never as joyful when I’m alone but … how could I let my relationships take away the chance of attending the so-called best public university in the country? Even if in the end, I’ll still feel all alone?
As a student at the University of Michigan I’ve embodied the solitary wolverine, independently stalking the streets, oblivious to what I’ve had beside me all along. The story of how I ended up becoming a Wolverine appears a bit calculated. While I thought I was making my own decision to attend U of M, it was a plan set in motion decades ago.
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My father graduated from U of M’s Ross School of Business in 1990 on a full ride scholarship. Although he often shares stories of the tribulations of balancing his studies while struggling to afford food and drink, there is a certain charm in the verbal delivery of every university tale. It’s in the way his voice increases an octave ever so slightly, his vocal tone performing with just as much excitement as the stories themselves.
Fall 2007: Me, Sabrina, Julian, and my dad rooting for Michigan football together
Summer 2001: At my abuelo's ranch in Monterrey, Mexico with Sabrina. My shirt reads "This is my first Michigan shirt" and was a gift from my dad's best friend/college roommate
More than simply being an alum, my dad happens to be a Michigan football fanatic. Growing up, every Saturday in the fall was paired with college sports. Sabrina, Julian, and I each had our own football jerseys for Mike Hart, the 2004 to 2007 star running back. The living room was truly alive on Saturdays: my dad, cheering for Michigan with a beer glued to his palm; my mom, supporting our team by his side; my siblings and I, definitely engaging in our own game instead of watching the television.
It wasn’t just Saturdays that were painted in maize and blue. U of M had thrown up all over my home (or more specifically, anything my dad owned). Beer sleeves, coolers, t-shirts, basketball shorts, shoes, all other forms of apparel, license plate frames, stationary, glassware and sports equipment… all painted with the iconic block M.
There was never a doubt in my mind that the University of Michigan was remarkable but the amount of hype my dad associated with it convinced me that attending would be an unattainable goal.
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Which brings me to the present: Finals week, December 2021.
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I am currently preparing for my final semester in Ann Arbor.
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And I am terrified.
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More than terrified.
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Completely and profoundly petrified.
November 2021: One of my best friends from South Florida, Iggy, came to visit me for a weekend. I got to show him around and take him to the Big House to watch Michigan destroy Indiana by 22 points
Unlike my childhood surrounded by U of M memorabilia, the space around me doesn’t seem to indicate the next steps in my path. When I try to look to my future, there’s nothing there. Once I leave this university, the parts of my life that were vaguely set up for me will be gone.
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And in the near future when I look back at these few years as a Wolverine, I’ll feel like my dad, my voice pitch raising as I reminisce on the football games, the late nights with friends, the poor decision-making excused by being a college student, and existing in a period of life where absolutely anything could happen and things could still be okay. But I’m sure I’ll still be haunted by all of those nights I spent alone, more often than not. The times I felt suffocated by my own tears, stress ballooning while checking my to-do list, having my kindness taken advantage of by undeserving entanglements, the anxiety bubbling inside of me before every social outing, and that horrible loneliness brought on by not actually having found my own group of college friends to reminisce on these days with.
Fall 2019: The Law Quad at sunset
So if my romanticized expectations of moving here haven’t been met, why do I care so much? Why do I place so much value on a city and school that have brought me more pain than I imagined they could?
Well, for one, no matter where a person ends up in life, difficult times follow. College marks a complicated period in time regardless of where or when one enrolls. Sure, I over-romanticized the college experience as a teenager but doesn’t everybody else? I mean, really, how often do we all hear “college will be the best years of your life” while growing up?
In these few years, I’ve met several versions of myself, some of which may have never revealed themselves if I hadn’t spent so much time in isolation (shoutout to the COVID-19 pandemic hitting during my second semester & my social anxiety preventing me from tending to newfound friendships).
Besides, the thrilling times I’ve had in the city of Ann Arbor outweigh the bad. Being a student in this city has brought me such a wealth of opportunities and experiences I could not have had elsewhere. I’ve grown, I’ve learned, and best of all, my relationship with my dad has forever changed for the better.
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It must sound silly to think that following my dad's footsteps is what it took for our relationship to develop. I guess we didn’t have much to bond about before.
September 2021: Walking to the stadium with my friend Aly and her roommates to watch Michigan beat Rutgers
But when I walk these streets with a dark cloud over my head, I imagine how my dad walked the same streets years ago. I try to picture him, strolling through campus with his own rain cloud, and I feel a calm wind slowly begin to push mine away.
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When I feel painfully alone living in this place so many miles away from all of my friends and family, I am reminded that a part of my dad’s heart remains here.
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I am not alone.
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When I sulk on my way to class, when I stumble home from the bar drunk and alone, when I hop between house parties with friends, and even when I sit outside to cry with a view, a younger version of my dad breathes around me, holding my hand and reminding me that I am not, and never have to be, alone.
October 2018 in the Law Library: My second ever visit to the University of Michigan. My dad wanted to take me to my first Michigan football game at the Big House
November 2021: Celebratory hike through Mojave National Preserve in Southern California following Michigan's victory against Ohio State!